There's gnome place like gnome

My gnomes are gone. Someone has abducted my gnomes.

I am fully aware of the movement to free garden gnomes, to release them back to the woodland where they belong (i.e., steal someone else’s property). Well, my gnomes were in the woodland where they belong. They were happy, carefree gnomes.

And someone took them and probably put them somewhere they’re not happy or carefree. Probably in the trunk of someone’s car.

Oh, we’ve rounded up the usual suspects. Heirs 1 and 2 have questioned their friends and we have stated we just want them back, no questions asked. Far be if from me to interfere with teenage pranks thought so original. But to no avail.

See, the problem is, there is just no serious way to question people about missing gnomes. See? You’re starting to crack a smile, right?

STOP IT! THESE WERE MY GNOMES!

I know you’re doing it again. Any sentence that has the word ‘gnome’ in it is just silly.

So now Dirtman wants to call the police to (oh, here we go again) report the missing gnomes. They were expensive, he correctly points out. They were the first thing we placed on our land after the azalea bush. They’ve been sitting there for more than a year, waiting for the stupid house to be done; waiting for electricity to light Mr. Gnome’s lantern. Now we almost (almost) have electricity and…no…Mr….Gnome.

The problem I have with reporting the theft to the police, aside from the look on the officer’s face, is that the local newspaper (for which I used to work, I might add) reads the police blotter everyday for interesting entries.

Need I say more?

I prefer my 15 minutes of fame not to be about my stolen gnomes. (Stop laughing!)

And, as Tony, our crack carpenter and all-around construction guru, points out: They couldn’t have been common thieves, since there were thousands of dollars worth of equipment on the site easier to carry off, yet they chose the gnomes, which were barely visible from the road.

So these people went out of their way to abduct my gnomes, and only my gnomes. (If anything other than the word “gnome” was in that sentence, you’d al be horrified. But, admit it, “gnome” makes it humorous.)

What are they getting for gnomes on the black market?

Help me, Dark Garden Wan Cannobi. You’re our only hope…