Monday, February 06, 2006

At least I like puppies...

Would I be out of line, a bad mother, a failure as a woman, inhumane, a disgrace to humanity and an all-around witch to admit…

Maybe I better say this quietly…

I don’t like babies much.

There I said it.

I don’t like babies much.

Now I liked my own babies well enough. It wasn’t my favorite age, but they were mine and I loved them as my children. And I’m sure that nature kicked in at some point, releasing some chemical that made me fall in love with this child when it wasn’t much more than a poop and vomit factory. But out of all the ages they’ve been thus far, babyhood was my least favorite. Not because of the work or worry involved. Every age has its version of those.

Yeah, they’re cute as far as baby humans go (most of them, anyway), but give me a kitten or a puppy any day. They’re furry and you can play with them. They’re durable, too.

But babies are more like…(I just know this is going to go too far for some people…)…larvae. They’re mostly hairless and they just kind of squirm around for a long time.


Then there is the whole issue of parental expectations. When you hold other people’s babies, you’re supposed to come up with what is remarkable about it. But it’s a baby. It’s either fussy or sleepy or hungry or dirty. That’s the full range of baby talents. Yet somehow I’m supposed to interpret drooling as evidence of superior intelligence or gas attacks as heralding exceptional prowess on the football field.

I also worry the kid is going start screaming immediately upon entering my arms. It hasn’t happened yet, but I don’t know if I could take being rejected by someone whose intelligence is slightly above tree moss.

This is one of myriad reasons I hate baby showers. Mothers love to bring their existing babies to parties about future babies. But when they do, they expect everyone else to hold their progeny, I guess to get in the spirit of things. And once again, if you’ve already got a few at home, it is assumed you want to relive that wonderful time of carrying around a sack of potatoes. (I say that honestly. When the Heirs were babies, I found myself standing in the checkout line rocking on my hip the bag of potatoes I was buying and mindlessly humming “Wynken, Blynken and Nod.” See? I wasn’t a horrid mother.)

I’ve tried, really I have. It’s kind of embarrassing when a new mother wants to play Pass the Baby and you are contestant No. 1 because, well, you’ve had a few, so you must love them, right? And you can’t refuse without insulting her. Sometimes, if I know a new mother and baby are going to be in the same room as me, I immediately begin sniffling and coughing so I can claim I’m “coming down with something.”

If I’m lucky, there are enough grandmothers there to take up all the baby-holding time. I’m in hopes that some chemical secreted during menopause causes you to suddenly squeal “Ooooooo!” whenever you smell baby powder. Otherwise I’m afraid I’m going to traumatize my grandchildren (which I am in no hurry to have. Get that, Heirs?).

Otherwise, I’ll just have to tell my sons, “Please take your little pupa and come back in a year or so when it’s mobile and communicative.”

I will now go hide under the bed while things are thrown at me.

10 comments:

zib said...

Hear hear!

Thank you for the laugh.

Jagosaurus said...

I think you and I might be related.

For some reason, people don't appreciate it when I exclaim that their newborn looks just like Winston Churchill. I just don't understand why....

mrhaney said...

you have to say the way you feel. that is the important thing.

Mrs Lifecruiser said...

My feelings is some what similar to yours, but for a different reason: I always catch some illness from babys...

They say that they have very strong germs and I totally beleive that, because every time I've been close to babies/small children, I've got something. Every time.

So I had to begin to stay away from children, I'm so sick of being ill all the time.

I do still think they are cute, but don't feel the urge to hold them or to be close to them.

This seems to make me being a "person who hates children" in a lot of peoples eyes. They just don't understand, they think that I'm using the illness as an excuse...

happyandblue2 said...

LOL..it is all so true. When god was handing out cuteness in babies I think humans must have been at the back of the line..

Leslie Shelor said...

Yep, give me a puppy or kitten any day over a baby. Even a baby bunny is cuter and they are pretty danged ugly right at first. I AM related to JAG, by the way!

Dark Garden said...

I hate babies. Always did...
Until...
THE BOYZ
Right up to the moment that I held the first BOYZ, I feared that I was going to have a problem with them.
Something more than chemical kicked in, I tell ya. Because every moment from that moment forward, relating in any manner to them, was 100% pleasure. Every diaper (and I did most of them), every meal, every crying fit...
It was all completely enjoyed.

All of it.

To this day, it remains so.

Dark Garden said...

Oh....

and btw...

I still hate all other babies!

I don't find them cute, adorable, entertaining...
NOTHING.

Rainypete said...

I'm not a fan of the first little while either. Once they begin with some rudimentary crawling and communication the fun begins, but unfortunately you have to pass that semi-parasitic stage first.

Like my boss says, babies are just little people who are wet at both ends.

benning said...

Well, puppies become dogs in about a year. They're all grown up. But babies become grown-up people in maybe 20 years. If the rest of us are lucky!

And I see the little darlings having snotty, screaming, red-faced tantrums in the store where I work, every blessed day. They ain't cute.

The newborns are fine - they don't know yet. But after the third year, tantrums make the children ugly. Yech!

I'd love to smack the bejeebers outa the parents that allow that. Yikes!

The best response I saw was a blue-haired old lady who stalked up to one screaming brat, shook her finger at the kid, and yelped, "Quiet! Nobody came here to hear you scream!"

That was perfect!

You, sisiggy, are quite normal!

I'm the odd one! LOL