Wednesday, February 08, 2006

A New Dieting Threat

Today I am wearing my comfy outfit, a long knit polo shirt and stretch pants with an elastic waist (That's not them at left. Give me a break...).

I have only one outfit like this, deliberately. I have found that excessive use of knit fabrics and elastic waistbands is more fattening than a Whopper with large fries. All of we perpetual dieters know that there are fat molecules in the air that cause weight gain even when you’ve been living on carrot sticks and Diet Coke for a month. Well, knit clothing is a fat molecule magnet.

A few years ago I broke my right wrist and snapped my left wrist tendon, both at the same time. (You would think there was an interesting story behind this, but there is not. Suffice to say, if you have a habit of sleeping with your hand curled under your chin protecting your neck, it’s a good idea to keep your stress level to a minimum.)

I was left with only one opposable thumb, because my right hand was in a full cast that left me perpetually hitching for a ride. My left arm was in a brace extending to my fingers and I was to take it off only when showering. Needless to say, I could not button and zip pants, which left me the option of a.) getting dressed at 6 a.m. before Dirtman left for work; b.) calling in my then-12-year-old or 10-year-old sons to do it for me, thus traumatizing them for life; c.) walking around all day with the pants open, my legs pressed together and a really long blouse; or d.) buying knit pants with an elastic waistband.

Choosing option “d” and facing up to three months in cast and brace, I bought a pretty full wardrobe of expandable clothing. I immediately gained 30 pounds.

Unfortunately, during the time between then and now, I also passed the age of 45 so that a weight loss was not much help. After the age of 45 women only lose weight in stupid places like the soles of their feet and their earlobes. Their hips remain the same, only all of a sudden, even though they’ve lost 250 lbs, their waists keep expanding. This is God’s idea of a joke, along with taking hair off the top of men’s heads and sticking it in their ears.

Anyway, having realized the danger of knit clothing, I quickly gave all mine away except for the one outfit, which I wear only on a day that follows a day of fasting or a stomach virus. Even one day in knits can cause a cloud of fat globules to follow you around threatening to infiltrate your body, so it’s best not to breathe too deeply.

Today, however, I just wanted to be comfy and…shhhh…I don’t think the fat globules have found me…shhh.

So I’ve had my salad and bottled water for lunch and now I’m sitting here in my comfy knit clothing and I don’t even hear the quart of Cold Stone Creamery banana ice cream calling me from the freezer.

No siree. I’m working at my computer, all nice and comfy, knowing I don’t have to answer the call, the scream, the piercing howl of the Cold Stone Creamery banana ice cream. Even though a little dish won’t hurt…

But, no. If I do, I won’t be able to fit into my khakis because I can’t stop at a small dish. So I’ll just ignore the constant, pounding haranguing of the Cold Stone Creamery banana ice cream.

I can do this because I’m so comfy, you see, in my knit pants that expand and expand so I wouldn’t feel a single ounce of weight gain should I succumb to the screeching cacophony of name calling from the Cold Stone Creamery banana ice cream.

You know, I could wash this outfit tonight and would be dry by morning…

Excuse me…

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

but it is only a little ice cream... ;)

Leslie Shelor said...

Yep. Just passed 45 myself and am watching the total collapse of a once fairly shapely person. (Have the gnomes written yet?)

sisiggy said...

No. I'm still gnomeless. And no gnome suspects...

(I doubt the people we suspect have seen Amelie as that would require knowing French or reading.)

Jagosaurus said...

[a] There's no such thing as a little ice cream.

[b] The gnomes are either in a garden gnome sanctuary in Tennessee or something or they're buried somewhere. Ooooohhhh ... you're building a house right? There are lots of piles of dirt and handy places to hide things, right? That's where I'd hide 'em.

sisiggy said...

Or perhaps...they burrowed in there themselves.(insert Twilight Zone music.)

Jagosaurus said...

I think the burrowing scenario is most likely.

benning said...

The scary thing is that that sounded like my own mind!

"Look, one little handful of M&Ms is meaningless! What can it hurt? You work it all off just walking to the bathroom. Come on ..."

Knit stretchy things attract fat, eh? Hmm, gonna have to be careful about wearing my sweat pants, huh?

:D

Mrs Lifecruiser said...

And where does this leave me in this discussion, known as the hungry monster....?

It's hard work to get something to eat all the time, every third hour or I turn into a beast. Of course Mr Lifecruiser knows this, so he does his best to feed me so I won't attack him ;-)

happyandblue2 said...

LOL..I think we should ban all clothing but stretchy clothing. If we all did it the fat molecules couldn't find all of us..