Hoy-Oh-Tu-Hoh!

In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

In the kingdom of delayed technology, Sisiggy in her Blue Tooth is queen.

This is a rare moment in my life. I am, at least here in the valley, ahead of the curve and on the cutting edge of technology.

I have a Blue Tooth.

This is rather ironic, considering that I fought (wait for it....) tooth and nail against getting a cell phone, seeing as I hate talking on phones. But circumstances and Dirtman persuaded me I needed to be available at all times so he can call me with that burning question, "Where you at?" (Hiding behind that preposition, I suppose...)

Cell phones are annoying in general and very annoying while driving. People only think they can drive and dial at the same time. I can usually tell when I'm behind someone talking on a cell phone. They slow down to 40 mph in a 65 mph zone and constantly swerve off the side of the road.

I know that the largest study (and oldest)attributes rubbernecking, and not cell phone use, to causing the most accidents. But those results, based on first-hand accounts, are suspect. Who is going to admit they were dialing their cell phone resulting in a nine car pile-up?

I can't tell you how many times I've had to dodge somebody in a honkin' big SUV trying to navigate a turn with one hand while holding their cell phone in the other, totally oblivious to the fact that my quick reflexes were the only thing that saved us from fighting with insurance companies for the next three months.

So I rarely used the cell phone while I was driving. I either let it ring or had the Heirs answer for me.

For awhile I tried a headpiece wired to the phone. But that didn't solve the dialing problem and I still had to fish around for the connection button which was always getting tangled with the seatbelt. And the plastic ear thingies kept popping off and getting lost.

Then along came the Blue Tooth. Only I didn't know it was a Blue Tooth until someone said, "That's a cool Blue Tooth" to me while I was visiting the Real World. I thanked her then went home and Googled for it.

Oh! My headset.

The Heirs thought this was hysterical.

So now I am never without my Blue Tooth. It plays "The Ride of the Valkyries" by Wagner when I have an incoming call. If I want to dial, I just say, "Call So-n-So..." and I'm calling So-n-So. Or I say the number and it dials for me.

The absolute best part, though, is not only am I the Techno Queen of Shenandoah County, but I'm ahead of the crew of the Starship Enterprise. Remember? They had to pull out their communicator and flip up the top before Scotty could beam them up, requiring both hands if they couldn't get that flip action going. Me? I just press my ear.

And it talks to me! Though I suspect it's a trifle deaf. I say, "Call Dirtman," and it asks, "Did you say, 'Call Joe?'"

But eventually it does listen, unlike some members of this household.

The only drawback is that I sometimes forget that it's not as visible to others as holding a cell phone to your ear and I'm fast getting a reputation for talking to myself in public. But since I'm a Yankee, everyone just figures that's about par for the course. "Don't they all become New York City bag ladies eventually?"

So my Blue Tooth was a great idea......except for when the Heirs refer to me as The Borg.

Resistance is futile.