Why I miss New Jersey

No. Really.

I didn’t say I’m eaten up with remorse that I’m no longer living in the ironically-named Garden State (there is a reason it’s called that, ya know…it used to be “the country” back when my father was a kid).

There are certain things I miss, though.

There is a Parkway sign on the moon.

No matter where you are in New Jersey, you can find a Garden State Parkway sign directing you to the road which gives you access to everywhere in the state. Hence the joke: “You’re from Jersey? What exit?”

Speedy checkout satisfaction.

No one will ask you how you are today in the checkout line. You can run in, grab that gallon of milk and be out of there without ever having to speak to a soul. They will not chat amiably to your toddler, so keep the kid quiet and get busy bagging those groceries.

They will thank you for your business, but will not make inane comments about the quality of your day.

I can pee by myself, thank you.

Okay, I’ve got to ask. What is it about Southerners and the bathroom? In Jersey when you go to someone’s house the first thing they do is show you where the bathroom is so you don’t have to make some grand announcement about your bodily functions to the host, who then leads you on some grand parade to the bathroom, turns on the light for you and then – explain this to me – scans the room for…what? What is it ya’ll do in there that you have to insure there are no remnants of before a guest goes in there? You knew I was coming over and everyone checks the TP before guests arrive. I feel like you’re out there, listening, waiting, so we can have another official procession back to the livingroom.

Networking

Everyone knows a guy who knows a guy. Whaddaya need?

Clear, concise driving advice.

That yield sign? IT DOESN’T MEAN STOP! It barely means yield. If I can floor it and beat the oncoming car, it’s legal.

It’s a small state, but…

My nose fits in New Jersey. In New Jersey my nose is almost…well…demure. In Virginia I’m outnumbered by Anglo noses. And they all have allergies.

Sporting options.

You can be a Yankee fan. You can be a Mets fan. You can be a Phillies fan – if you’re a real masochist.

Public service.

No where in New Jersey do you have to take the trash to the dump yourself. She usually drives her own car…

Fun while you drive.

There’s a coin toss game every ten miles or so on the parkway. Really hones your skills, though it’s hardly sporting now that you have to actually apply the brakes because of the cross bars they installed.

So you see, there’s a reason New Jersey is the most densely populated state in the country. Don’t agree? Then there’s always the New Jersey state motto.

And I don’t mean the official state motto (“Liberty and Prosperity”)…

Yeah, that state motto. It’s kind of caught on everywhere, ya know!