Thursday, April 06, 2006

Let them eat...cereal

I love to cook.

I just wish I lived with people who love food.

Notice I didn’t say “love to eat.” They do love to eat, if by “eating” you mean putting a substance into their mouths and swallowing. It just doesn’t particularly matter what that substance is or what it tastes like.

I come from a long line of very good cooks and, if there is one thing an Italian family teaches its young, male and female alike, it’s how to cook. They start us young.

So I’ve been cooking for a long, long time. I don’t claim many talents, but I am a good cook. And I wouldn’t be good if I didn’t love to do it.

That being said, I hatehate – cooking for Dirtman and the Heirs.

Scenario 1: Sisiggy spends the entire day in the kitchen preparing a full meal from salad to dessert. Every dish is carefully thought out so that the ingredients compliment each other without overpowering. The presentation is worthy of any glossy gourmet magazine. She calls her family to the table and they pass around dishes, Sisiggy, as cook, serving herself last. But before she finishes plating her meal, Heir 1 is already done and clearing the table. Dirtman has literally swallowed some food items whole, stuffed them in his cheeks and heads for the computer, still chewing. As Sisiggy eats, Heir 1 looms over her, waiting to grab her plate.

Scenario 2: Sisiggy has prepared a simple weekday meal, scheduled to be served at 6 p.m., half an hour after the time Dirtman has said he will be home. At 5:30 p.m. Dirtman calls and assures her that, though he is “running a little late,” he should be there not too much after when he’d originally told her. So she waits. At 6:15 p.m. she receives another call that he “is almost there.” At 7 p.m. the meal sits waiting in the oven.

Scenario 3: Sisiggy prepares yet another weekday meal and calls her family to the table. Heir 1 arrives, looks at the dinner and moans, “Beef Stroganoff again,” in spite of the fact that the dish has not made an appearance in over three months. Heir 2 arrives, takes note of the menu, rolls his eyes and proceeds to place a minute portion in his plate. Dirtman finally hangs up the phone, arrives at the table and declares that he’s eaten a huge lunch, so he doesn’t think he’ll eat much for dinner. That night all three eat huge vegetable bowls of cereal. Sisiggy, thinking there is something wrong with her Stroganoff, later offers some to her brother who, upon tasting it, say, “What’s wrong with those people?”

Scenario 4: Sisiggy prepares yet another weekday meal. The first phone call comes at 5:30 p.m. from Heir 2 at track practice. He tells her the whole team is staying at school for a soccer game and then is going to McDonalds. At 5:45 p.m. Heir 1 calls from his friend’s house and tells her they’ve decided to go to the soccer game after which they are going to McDonalds. At 5:52 p.m. Dirtman calls and tells her he and his crew decided to stay late and “finish up” and he thinks he’ll catch the high school soccer game on his way home. He’ll just pick up a burger at McDonalds afterwards.

Scenario 5: Sisiggy decides to prepare Dirtman his favorite meal, filet mignon. She takes the time to cook the meat to perfection, deglaze the pan for the perfect sauce and serve it up with sautéed mushrooms and the perfect wine. The meal lasts exactly 7 minutes before Dirtman is back at the computer (still chewing).

I would think the problem was my cooking, but it is the same at restaurants. I’m still eating and Dirtman is staring at me, tapping his foot, until I give up, box my meal, and agree to move on. The Heirs won’t go to restaurants, preferring to stay home and eat the ever-popular cereal.

So, though I love to cook, I no longer cook. My cabinets are dominated by cereal boxes, my refrigerator by milk.

When John Boy comes over I indulge in cooking a whole meal and it’s a pleasure to watch him eat. John Boy loves food and he takes his time with it (he does hold the family record for requiring the most time for a meal). So this is the only time I can sit, enjoy and savor my meal.

It drives Heir 2 crazy, which is another bonus.

13 comments:

aunt norie said...

Ah, sweetie, I fully appreciate you're plight - and I'll share my solution to this problem.
Crock pot.
Remember them?? dig yours out or go to a thrift store and get one. You'd be amazed at the vast number of things you can plunk in and have come out quite respectable.
I, too, live in a too-many-males household - and have discovered that offering my services as party cater seems to help my creative sense have an outlet.

Hick said...

Oh man...your meals sound delicious. I have two very picky eaters in my family and 2 appreciative eaters. You may have just given me an idea for a post.

I do not understand people who like to eat cereal for dinner...I know a couple of those and it always baffles me, given the alternatives.

Jagosaurus said...

Are you kidding me? All that good cooking and they're just ignoring at? For cereal?

I would be at the table promptly every evening savoring each meal and would happily eat beef stroganoff every night. Dang.

White Trasherati said...

You need to adopt Jag and I - we would certainly appreciate your skills.
Ungrateful Heirs and Dirtman. Boy, they're going to miss you after Jag and I swoop in and steal you.

We should have a dinner party just for the three of us.

sisiggy said...

I'm thinking of doing something in the new house, actually, if we all live that long...

Actually...things are moving along rapidly now. The contractor is saying (dare I even think it?) late May.

Jagosaurus said...

Woooo! "Late May" sounds good (fingers crossed). So does a Sisiggy / Trasherati / Jagosaurus feast. I just retrieved my springform pan from my mother so I'd be happy to bring the cheesecake....

sisiggy said...

I'm glad you let me know about the cheesecake in advance. I'll have Terry widen the doors for my hips before he paints.

White Trasherati said...

Have him put in a ramp, too, because I'm bringing the wine...they'll have to roll us down after we waddle out the widened door. Maybe the Heirs will give us a push?

Spicy McHaggis said...

I blame my fast eating on geometry and addicting video games, so it's only 1/2 my fault.

Leslie Shelor said...

Although I'm not a great cook, I'm pretty respectable when I try. But I went through two unappreciative husbands and now my dad lives with me and he doesn't like anything I cook because it hasn't been boiled into mush.

A crockpot is a wonderful thing. But for me these days, it's frozen meals and salad a lot. Great news about the house!

Katrina said...

My husband would think he'd died and gone to heaven if I cooked more than three times a week, especially such delicious and well-thought-out meals as you deliver! As I do not share your enjoyment of cooking, however, I won't burst his bubble of contentment by letting it slip that there are actually wives out there who cook gourmet meals every night.

A man can only take so much temptation!

Mrs Lifecruiser said...

Oh, great horror and sorrow... What a waste of your good cooking!!!! You're making me hungry just talking about your cooking... Delicious pics too...
*drooling all over now*

And Italian cooking too...it's just too much...

-Hand me a towel someone!

You know, I probably beat John Boy too, because I'm always the last person done. No need to hurry, despite the fact that I'm the hungry monster. I'm not only chewing, I'm in heaven....

*Running to the kitchen for a raid*

Mrs Lifecruiser said...

Let's not just have a toast for Friday, le'ts have a second one for Italian cooking :-)