Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Why I miss New Jersey

No. Really.

I didn’t say I’m eaten up with remorse that I’m no longer living in the ironically-named Garden State (there is a reason it’s called that, ya know…it used to be “the country” back when my father was a kid).

There are certain things I miss, though.

There is a Parkway sign on the moon.

No matter where you are in New Jersey, you can find a Garden State Parkway sign directing you to the road which gives you access to everywhere in the state. Hence the joke: “You’re from Jersey? What exit?”

Speedy checkout satisfaction.

No one will ask you how you are today in the checkout line. You can run in, grab that gallon of milk and be out of there without ever having to speak to a soul. They will not chat amiably to your toddler, so keep the kid quiet and get busy bagging those groceries.

They will thank you for your business, but will not make inane comments about the quality of your day.

I can pee by myself, thank you.

Okay, I’ve got to ask. What is it about Southerners and the bathroom? In Jersey when you go to someone’s house the first thing they do is show you where the bathroom is so you don’t have to make some grand announcement about your bodily functions to the host, who then leads you on some grand parade to the bathroom, turns on the light for you and then – explain this to me – scans the room for…what? What is it ya’ll do in there that you have to insure there are no remnants of before a guest goes in there? You knew I was coming over and everyone checks the TP before guests arrive. I feel like you’re out there, listening, waiting, so we can have another official procession back to the livingroom.


Everyone knows a guy who knows a guy. Whaddaya need?

Clear, concise driving advice.

That yield sign? IT DOESN’T MEAN STOP! It barely means yield. If I can floor it and beat the oncoming car, it’s legal.

It’s a small state, but…

My nose fits in New Jersey. In New Jersey my nose is almost…well…demure. In Virginia I’m outnumbered by Anglo noses. And they all have allergies.

Sporting options.

You can be a Yankee fan. You can be a Mets fan. You can be a Phillies fan – if you’re a real masochist.

Public service.

No where in New Jersey do you have to take the trash to the dump yourself. She usually drives her own car…

Fun while you drive.

There’s a coin toss game every ten miles or so on the parkway. Really hones your skills, though it’s hardly sporting now that you have to actually apply the brakes because of the cross bars they installed.

So you see, there’s a reason New Jersey is the most densely populated state in the country. Don’t agree? Then there’s always the New Jersey state motto.

And I don’t mean the official state motto (“Liberty and Prosperity”)…

Yeah, that state motto. It’s kind of caught on everywhere, ya know!


heather said...

I like checkout anonymity too. When I first moved to TN from PA for school I freaked out everytime a stranger passed me on the street and said hello to me.

Jagosaurus said...

As a southerner, I have to say that I also don't like the bathroom thing. I don't get it.

As someone who doesn't like small talk, I am also opposed to the grocery store chitchat.

Southerners are social creatures. We just ... are. Except for those of us who aren't, and even then we can just turn it on at the drop of a hat.

Hey, I kept an eye out for 'Pode on I-81 since he likes to get out and about, but didn't see him.

Mrs Lifecruiser said...

Since I'm, as you know, into nosethings, I just LOVE that in this post :-)

sisiggy said...

Fridays through Mondays the 'Pode focuses on annoying the antique traffic on US-11. Tuesday through Thursdays are I-81 days. He can corral more tractor-trailers that way.

I'll post a schedule.

Hick said...

I am so annoyed with blogger. I was by here yesterday and I wrote the most darling post (you'll have to take my word for it), but just as I pushed the publish button, a sign popped up telling me that blogger was doing some sort of maintenance. Just my luck. I finally get the chance to visit my favorite blogs and I can't post.

Anyway. I don't get the bathroom thing, but I have friends that will check the bathroom out before a guest enters it...I think for towels and toilet paper or something.

I visited Parsippany (sp?) once and I thought it was beautiful. Other than that...youse guys talk funny.


sisiggy said...

It's just getting to Parsippany that stinks -- literally...

And in Parsippany, yeah, they do talk funny, even to me. I'm from south central Jersey and it does make a difference, sort of. A lot of people think we're from Philadelphia.

You wouldn't think it would matter that much, but it does.

Anonymous said...

i'm from southern nj and there actually are a lot of farms and stuff but you have to know where to look. they're pretty hidden... much like most of the good stuff in south jersey

and i don't think i've ever heard anyone point out the bathroom. but that be because there were a limited number of house plans in the town and about 5 kazillion variations on them.

Anonymous said...

I grew up in Northern NJ and at age 21. I moved to Centeral Florida 25 years ago. Now I think it was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have stayed in Jersey. Central Florida is changing for the worst. The pay always has been low, the home prices are low also but the people are selfish, sneaky and will back stab you in the back as they smile at you. I no longer trust anyone who lives down here, it seems they have all run to Florida to get away from something they have done wrong. The crime is unreal, it scares me. I felt safer in NYC. I came here because I thought I would like the ocean and Gulf of Mexico. The thrill has ended for me. I want to go back to my home, New Jersey (Northern).Mountains, trees and seasons, and by people who who know each other and their families. I cant afford to get out of here to get back to HOME. Dont move here to live, you may get stuck here like I have. I pray I will someday afford to get back home. BYE. and appreciate NJ. The Garden State