God is sitting on a cloud, filing his nails and looking down at earth, looking bored. Enter Gabr
iel sorting through a pile of papers.
GOD
Sighs.
This free will idea is for the birds. There’s nothing to do. First they do what they want, screw it all up and then won’t clean up their mess. And blame Me for it…
GABRIEL
Meekly.
You could, you know, do that God thing. Just a little?
GOD
Nope. No, I can’t. I’d have to choose sides. No, I’m afraid I can’t do much of anything until they sort everything out and get back on track with this whole evolution thing.
God sneezes. Gabe goes to say something then looks puzzled. God laughs out loud.
GOD
I love doing that!
GABRIEL
scowling
Yes, I know.
GOD
If it wasn’t for my hobbies I think I’d go crazy.
GABRIEL
Your hobbies?
GOD
Oh yeah. Just little things I make happen here and there. Nothing that makes a bit of difference in the grand scheme of things. But it’s funny to watch them react. You know this whole March Madness thing and puny George Mason making it into the final four?
GABRIEL
Yeah…
GOD
I did that.
Laughs hysterically.
And the vortexes.
GABRIEL
GOD
Are you correcting me, Gabe?
GABRIEL
Of course not, Sir…er…Madame…uh…My Lord.
GOD
But the funniest is that woman with the house.
GABRIEL
Woman with the house?
GOD
giggles
First, I take this totally pitiful woman living with a fungus named Kevin and make it possible for her to receive a new house.
GABRIEL
That’s very nice!
GOD
Still laughing
No! You don’t get it! I give her a new house, but – now get this – it never gets done!
Tilts head back and roars with laughter.
She keeps scheduling things and then – oops! – the weather is mysteriously uncooperative. She thinks things are going along smoothly when – oops! – her builder disappears!
GABRIEL
Would that be the gentleman occupying your broom closet, My Lord?
GOD
Wait! You haven’t heard the best part! All this is going wrong, she’s months…years…behind schedule and who does she blame? HER HUSBAND!!!!
Laughing hysterically
Not only her husband, but the entire construction business. It never occurs to her to blame Me! For once, it’s actually my fault and no one is blaming Me! Do you see the irony in that, Gabe?
GABRIEL
Yes, of course, My Lord. It is ironic, I suppose…
GOD
Oh Gabe, you have no sense of humor.
GABRIEL
I am the one who has to announce the end of the world.
GOD
Pats Gabe on the back.
Oh, cheer up old man…er…woman…uh…Tell ya what. I’ll let the lady finish her house.
GABRIEL
That would be the Godly thing to do…
GOD
You’re telling me?
GABRIEL
I wouldn’t presume…
GOD
All right, I’ll send her a builder.
GABRIEL
Shall I let him out of the closet, My Lord?
GOD
Nah. Let’s send her one that has a large crew. See if we can get her into her house by the end of April.
GABRIEL
Scowling
Aren’t you afraid that such a change in fortune might…well…drive her mad?
GOD
Laughing hysterically
Irony, Gabe. I love it!
3 comments:
i bet it happened just that way. i sure would like to be able to talk to GOD , wouldn't you? i have a few questions i would like to ask.
*wipes tears outta eyes*
BUWAHAHAHAHAA
Yeah, here's hopin!
Saying prayers now, ha..?
I think I'll just swing my magic stick instead, that seems to function as good *not* as anything else.
Of course, I can't promise anything because I'm not so good at it, so you may end up with something completely different...
[ Insert imagination ]
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