Monday, March 27, 2006

A Play in One Act

Scene: Heaven

God is sitting on a cloud, filing his nails and looking down at earth, looking bored. Enter Gabriel sorting through a pile of papers.

GOD

Sighs.

This free will idea is for the birds. There’s nothing to do. First they do what they want, screw it all up and then won’t clean up their mess. And blame Me for it…

GABRIEL

Meekly.

You could, you know, do that God thing. Just a little?

GOD

Nope. No, I can’t. I’d have to choose sides. No, I’m afraid I can’t do much of anything until they sort everything out and get back on track with this whole evolution thing.

God sneezes. Gabe goes to say something then looks puzzled. God laughs out loud.

GOD

I love doing that!

GABRIEL

scowling

Yes, I know.

GOD

If it wasn’t for my hobbies I think I’d go crazy.

GABRIEL

Your hobbies?

GOD

Oh yeah. Just little things I make happen here and there. Nothing that makes a bit of difference in the grand scheme of things. But it’s funny to watch them react. You know this whole March Madness thing and puny George Mason making it into the final four?

GABRIEL

Yeah…

GOD

I did that.

Laughs hysterically.

And the vortexes.

GABRIEL

Vortices?

GOD

Are you correcting me, Gabe?

GABRIEL

Of course not, Sir…er…Madame…uh…My Lord.

GOD

But the funniest is that woman with the house.

GABRIEL

Woman with the house?

GOD

giggles

First, I take this totally pitiful woman living with a fungus named Kevin and make it possible for her to receive a new house.

GABRIEL

That’s very nice!

GOD

Still laughing

No! You don’t get it! I give her a new house, but – now get this – it never gets done!

Tilts head back and roars with laughter.

She keeps scheduling things and then – oops! – the weather is mysteriously uncooperative. She thinks things are going along smoothly when – oops! – her builder disappears!

GABRIEL

Would that be the gentleman occupying your broom closet, My Lord?

GOD

Wait! You haven’t heard the best part! All this is going wrong, she’s months…years…behind schedule and who does she blame? HER HUSBAND!!!!

Laughing hysterically

Not only her husband, but the entire construction business. It never occurs to her to blame Me! For once, it’s actually my fault and no one is blaming Me! Do you see the irony in that, Gabe?

GABRIEL

Yes, of course, My Lord. It is ironic, I suppose…

GOD

Oh Gabe, you have no sense of humor.

GABRIEL

I am the one who has to announce the end of the world.

GOD

Pats Gabe on the back.

Oh, cheer up old man…er…woman…uh…Tell ya what. I’ll let the lady finish her house.

GABRIEL

That would be the Godly thing to do…

GOD

You’re telling me?

GABRIEL

I wouldn’t presume…

GOD

All right, I’ll send her a builder.

GABRIEL

Shall I let him out of the closet, My Lord?

GOD

Nah. Let’s send her one that has a large crew. See if we can get her into her house by the end of April.

GABRIEL

Scowling

Aren’t you afraid that such a change in fortune might…well…drive her mad?

GOD

Laughing hysterically

Irony, Gabe. I love it!

3 comments:

mrhaney said...

i bet it happened just that way. i sure would like to be able to talk to GOD , wouldn't you? i have a few questions i would like to ask.

zib said...

*wipes tears outta eyes*


BUWAHAHAHAHAA

Yeah, here's hopin!

Mrs Lifecruiser said...

Saying prayers now, ha..?

I think I'll just swing my magic stick instead, that seems to function as good *not* as anything else.

Of course, I can't promise anything because I'm not so good at it, so you may end up with something completely different...

[ Insert imagination ]