Pssst....

Over here…shhhhh…

Down here.

SSSSSHHHHHHH! Enough with the “Oh look at the cute little doggie in the glasses.” I’m a little nearsighted, okay? I just don’t want Her Majesty to hear us, okay?

‘Cuz if she catches me talkin’ to you, she’ll be over here pushin’ me off the chair and talking in the third person and acting all la-dee-da about her “admirers” and her “dahlings.” What’s with this “dahling” business? She was born in this country, just like the rest of us.

I’m Salt, the other Parson Russell Terrier and I thought I’d offer yous a deal.

Ya see, I’m probably the only one who knows the score around here. This ain't no palace and she eats her food in a bowl on the floor just like the rest of us slobs.

See, Da ‘Pode and me, we’re rescue dogs and we’ve been around a lot longer than those ridiculous Aussies and their dog shows and parading around without tails sos no one can grab them just when they’re about to nab the juiciest plumpest rodent…(ahem) Well, like I said, Da ‘Pode and me, we’re just dogs who came from breeders who were, let’s say…uh…from the other side of the tracks, so to speak, Ya know wad I mean?

Sos here’s the deal. I’m in a position to have certain information, ya know wad I mean? And that information just might be – um – shall we say – for sale.

Oh, you think I don’t know stuff? You think I’m bluffin’? You lookin’ at me an’ sayin’ I’m bluffin’? Okay, listen to this:

Ya know that "close male relative" Her Highness likes to think no one knows is really her son (And any idiot can tell you if there’s one, there’s a few more)? Let me ask you this: Have you ever heard of a Mister Zsa?

Ah-hah! See? I got tons of stuff like that!

How ‘bout this: There’s a certain other Australian Shepherd around here who won’t be waltzing with Matilda anytime in the future, if you catch my drift. Ya know wad I mean?

Okay, okay, Da ‘Pode and I aren’t exactly – umm – potent anymore (ahem). But we’re not the ones running around here acting like they’re Her Majesty’s arm candy either!

Sos ya see, I got some valuable information here. And what’s your end of the deal?

Well, Da ‘Pode and I have come across a -- uh -- lucrative business opportunity and we just need a little – um – fuel, ya see, to start the engine. Nothin’ big. Whatever yous can spare.

See Da Pode and I, we’ve been watching this whole dog show thing and we says to each other, we says, “Hey, ain’t we dogs? How can two mugs like us get in on this fancy schmancy dog show thing?” Sos we meet this guy, Sam, ya know, and he’s got this really great – uh – business offer if we can make the front money initial deposit.

Me? I'm gonna run the business end of things and Da 'Pode, he's going to be a sort of negotiator. I guess you've noticed Da 'Pode's brain ain't runnin' on all burners, so to speak. But he's okay, really. Unless you're from UPS. Or you take his cow. Or he doesn't know you. And you move. Other than that, Pode's just fine. Really.

All yous gotta do is let me know in an email (in the subject line, type in, “I am Mrs. Obuto Mubawee from Nigeria.” I notice Sisiggy always trashes those without reading them) and I’ll have Sam come pick up the – uh – investment – and he’ll give you the information you want.

Oh, and if you want to use our services, just look for a guy at the dog shows in a really shiny suit. That’s our bud Sam. Talk real quiet ‘cuz he scares easy. Tell ‘em the Salt Dog sent you. Sam ‘ll take care of you.

But good.