Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A momentous day

Today, for the first time since I was a child, I am wearing all new underwear.

No, I’m not trying to be provocative, really I’m not. I think any mom can tell you that, while the rest of the family receives a regular delivery of fresh underwear, we will pin, tack, darn and patch ours until it disintegrates. Our underwear doesn’t get thrown away; it just dissolves in the laundry.

This is not a martyrdom issue – at least not for me. For some reason I have a sense of pride knowing that my Jockeys have outlasted three administrations and most of a fourth.

And there is a certain security in underwear that has been broken in, so one does not make lightly the decision to purchase new.

I have very strict criteria for my everyday underwear. First and foremost, the panties have to be cotton and no elastic can touch my skin. I’ll admit, I do have lacy nylon abominations that I trot out every now and again for special occasions (i.e., when I’m going to be uncomfortable anyway with heels on my shoes and a body smoother), but for the most part give me the breathability of cotton any day.

Unfortunately for me, brassieres must be of the underwire variety because I actually need a bra. I know there is the school of thought that, if you just let the girls travel south you can tuck them into your waistband and look flat-chested or, in my case, like a potato. No, I’m not quite ready to look like Jane Darwell. So my bras are engineering miracles of gravity-defying construction and a wonder to behold, rather like the Golden Gate Bridge or that skywalk over the Grand Canyon.

This weekend I came to the conclusion that what was left of my underwear wardrobe was rather embarrassing and I no longer had a single set of underwear I could wear to leave the house that was presentable “in case of an accident.” And so I bought new underwear.

Which means, you would think, that I could now throw away the worst of the old underwear.

You’d think that wouldn’t you?


Dark Garden said...

Just remember... If you're in an accident (or eat a Ruben @ Cork St.), your underwear is gonna end up looking like .... well... like that picture just below these comments on your blog... the stuff in that pot.

JACKet said...

I love a good enginered bra, but tell me about a smoother? J

Sisiggy said...

dg: You are needed here if only to lend your special brand of class to the proceedings.

jacket: You know, those all-in-one thingys that "women of a certain age" need when all those glorious curves...uh...succumb to ...uh...gravity and they still want to wear something slinky without looking like a lump of dough. It has to be a really, really special occasion for me to pour myself into one of those.

Dark Garden said...

I am your Kramer!