Saturday, November 17, 2007

Is it just me? Tell me honestly.

This is what comes of forced TV viewing, this feeling of incredulity and frustration. Honestly, people – is it just me?

Due to an illness…condition…problem…whatever (since resolved, but at the time disconcerting and downright terrifying, but okay now so we won’t go into it and please, for the love of God, don’t ask what the doctor said because that will open up a whole new can of worms I don’t need crawling around just now so just know that I am healthy and normal now), I had to spend three days just sitting. I could read for short periods of time, but long term focus so close sent my head spinning.

The long and short of it was that the only thing to do was – gulp – watch television. A lot of television (and knit washcloths that I don’t have to look at much while I knit, but that’s neither here nor there).

Okay – Oprah. Explain Oprah to me, someone, please.

The show was about a woman who was addicted to hoarding and shopping. The advertising was for crap to buy for Christmas. The ads for upcoming Oprah shows were about Oprah’s favorite crap to buy for Christmas. Meanwhile, on the show, they’re talking about how Americans have too much crap and we’ve lost meaning in our lives. And Oprah is acting all bewildered about people who are addicted to shopping – the woman, who already has everything under the planet twice over and who required a Paris department store open after hours just for her, is amazed that other people are addicted to shopping?

Honestly, people – is it just me?

Then the car commercials: I was under the impression that a car was a means to get from point A to point B. Intermittent wipers are kind of a neat perk, but really it’s a motor with wheels. Then why the ad like “When you get in your car and turn it on, does it return the favor?” How screwed up do you have to be to rely on your car for existential fulfillment?

And why are people so obsessed about the smell of their houses? I love to go into people’s houses and smell what they had for dinner. Why is that a bad thing? It means you live in your house. I can’t believe a company can make money spending millions on advertising for a candle.

Okay, okay, okay…I know I’m old and I know I’m not the most technologically savvy person on the planet. But someone please explain to me why a cell phone can’t simply be a cell phone? Is there something about our surroundings so vile to hear that everyone has to be walking around with their own personal soundtrack?

(Oh, and don’t suggest I get that Jitterbug thing – it looks like the Playskool version of a cell phone. I’m not that hopeless. Dirtman, maybe. But not me. And is anyone concerned that the “skool” part of “Playskool” is misspelled?)

And when did everyone suddenly develop digestive problems? For God’s sake people: FIBRE!

And another thing: it’s “jew-el-ry,” NOT “JEW-LER-EE.”

And why are “Titanic” and “Independence Day” on all the time? I was just wondering about that. I don’t mind or anything. I’m just curious.

Thank God that little stint is over. I resolve to take better care of myself forever more so I don’t have to go through three days watching FREAKING INSANITY!


Elsa said...

Honestly: it is not just you, but it might be just us. At home, I don't have TV reception, which pretty obviously means we don't watch TV; we watch DVDs.

Accordingly, whenever I'm exposed to TV complete with ads, I sit slack-jawed wondering how everyone got so very, very hyper-aware of their personal odors and so very, very gassy and constipated.

jagosaurus said...

It isn't just you. Due to my irregular employment of late, I've accidentally absorbed some very bad tv.

Commercials have always pissed me off but are extra annoying now that they are apparently louder than the shows themselves. Subtle, that. And the messages they send to people about themselves are appalling.

The shows are painful. I tried (yes, deliberately) to watch the Tyra Banks show and my brain actually tried to escape through my left ear. And Oprah? Can kiss my ass.

Meg said...

TV is scary. You are a far braver person than I. At my house we watch the weather channel, Turner Classic Movies and, occasionally, Animal Planet for dog stuff.

I've found that the solution to enforced rest is DVDs. I have a DVD recorder and I am not afraid to use it. Now, when I have to deal with enforced rest time and want to watch TV I pop in a few Precode era films, 1930s screwball comedies, or 1930s or 1940s mystery series I recorded off TV since they'll never be released commercially. MUCH better than Oprah. And no evil commercials for people from alternate universe-land.

Hopefully this won't happen again, but if it does pop online and post an appeal for help and we'd be glad to send you something. Glad to hear things are better.

Oh, yeah, and you're right. Cars are a means to get from point A to point B. Some are just larger to better accomodate more dogs. Or, at least, that's my view and I'm sticking with it.

Leslie Shelor said...

I do the DVD thing, too: Netflix is my friend.

So was Dirtman at the Housing Conference reception? IF he was he would have had to notice the spinner in the socks!

Sisiggy said...

elsa: See? That's where they got me. We used to not get reception, so they talked me into this stupid satellite, like we were missing something. No TV reception was nice.

Jag: And still, your IQ remains above Tyra's, even with your brain preoccupied with escape.

meg: Did watch a lot of TCM and went through my entire Thin Man collection. All the other DVDs were upstairs and I was forbidden to use the stairs until a teenager happened by to deliver another load. (BTW, love your blog...lots of doggie pictures and doggie talk and you don't feel the need to apologize to non-dog people).

Leslie: Is that what it was? (yeah, he probably told me, but those guys are always looking for some reason to be in the vicinity of Tech when there is a home game). Actually, I don't know if he actually attended the reception. VOWRA sent him down there and from what I can glean, he played golf and taught a few classes. I'm certain he would have mentioned socks and spinning had he seen them.

Dark Garden said...

Hey sis... Dude!...

Take a shot o' Cognac for gosh sakes!

You had me reading your article and almost stroking out myself. By the time I was at the end my blood pressure was up to 160/110 and I was reading as fast as Evelyn Wood!

Dark Garden said...

...and where's my oatmeal?... I gotta go take a dump!

benning said...

TV sux, and it sounds like you had a massive overdose!

Yep, it's jew-el-reeeee! Of course it's also the Ca-vul-ree that rides to the rescue. Folks just don't speak well.

Be healthy, Toots! And have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Simon said...

Your "condition", from the few clues you drop, sounds just like something my wife suffered from recently.
Regarding Oprah and shopping, Jag sent me this link recently: