Reasons Why Your Mother Is Not As Big a Dweeb as You Think She Is

Heirs 1 and 2 need to be reminded of this every now and then.

First reason: The total lack of teddy bears in all aspects of her life

I have never worn a garment that had a teddy bear on it, at least not since I was 8 years old. This includes anything featuring a character conceived in the mind of A.A. Milne.

Additionally, I have never used teddy bears as home décor for anyone except a child under 5. I have never felt the urge to buy a teddy bear and clothe it.

This may seem like a good thing to my sons while in their tough-guy teenage years. However, they may regret this later when they become fathers (much, much, much later. Eons later.) because I cannot come within five yards of one of those “make your own teddy bear” stores without waves of nausea overcoming me. No, this is one grandmother who will stick to clothing and diapers.

In fact, at risk of offending some young-marrieds and ruining the fond memories of their glorious wedding day (don’t get me started on that little slice of tradition…), I would venture to say that if your wedding cake is topped with a teddy bear couple dressed in wedding garb, you probably should rethink your expectations of the institution.

What spurred this particular rant on this particular day? I recently saw a grown woman sporting sweatshirt featuring a pink-ribbon bedecked teddy bear with a slogan that I couldn’t read but what probably said something like, “I bearly wuv you.” Cigarette dangling out of her mouth, she was flinging a small, screaming child into a car seat and yelling something unintelligible (to me – I haven’t developed an ear for the accent and cadence in some of the deeper Southern speakers).

While I will agree this is a most extreme example of the teddy bear attire appearing on absolutely the wrong person at the wrong time, it did set me to trying to think of occasions when this would be appropriate. I came up blank.

But then my rule of thumb about age-appropriate attire is: if you can’t picture Hepburn in it (Audrey or Katherine), don’t wear it.

Editor’s note: Those expecting updates on The Zsa Zsa or any of the other canine Linguinis, please understand that non-dog people think we are strange and some even go so far as to equate making your dog talk in a blog to wearing a teddy bear t-shirt.